(reflective music) - And I've always been a driven individual.

I was heavily involved in sports.

I was ranked 9th in the state of Minnesota and my goal was to be a state champ.

I was in 10th grade.

People are just like, dude, this guy's got it, and then, the next year, I was like, I tried to end my own life.

(reflective music) - We're here to get to the hope and healing of it all, but if you're at home, watching, I want you to take care.

If you are considering suicide or if you or someone you know is in an emotional crisis, please call or text 988.

(reflective music) Before we get started, I want to ask you all, have you ever asked someone if they're having thoughts of suicide?

- I don't think I've ever actually asked someone.

- Me neither.

- Okay.

Well, Laurel, would you mind sharing?

- Somebody was being very isolated, distant.

I know they had a long history of suicidal ideation and I just didn't even beat around the bush.

I got together with them, face-to-face, and I was like, "Are you having thoughts of suicide?"

And they said, "Yes."

- So you directly asked.

You were clear about it.

- Yeah, I didn't wanna beat around the bush at all, 'cause I know that would make me uncomfortable.

- When I was taking suicide prevention training, it's important to explicitly ask them to make them be a little bit more aware of the fact that people care and they can tell.

- I do think that it is good, like you said, to ask directly, when you're like, hey, are you okay?

99% of people always just say, oh, yeah, I'm fine.

- And something that I actually like to do is, instead of asking people, how are you doing, asking them, what are you feeling, because that's not a societal norm to respond with good, and when you ask that question, it helps the person to, oh, I have to identify what I'm feeling, versus how are you doing?

Because yeah, to be honest, warning signs can look completely different.

So knowing your own warning signs, I think we can help people by sort of maybe sharing what it could look like for different people.

Are you willing to share what that could look like for either of you?

- The warning signs that I think I showed, I was taking every single part of my energy to act and put on this facade that I was doing better and I'm not sad anymore, and you don't have to worry about me.

But in the inside, I was rotting even harder.

- Somebody wrote me this long, extensive text about how they value our friendship and things like that, which was out of character for them.

I know that I have done that, personally.

Being able to experience the other end, I was like, this is that.

Why are you sending this and are you contemplating suicide?

- Well, I mean for me, I know that a lot of it was just the amount of depression.

Isolation is a huge thing.

When you see somebody withdrawing, they don't want to really talk to people.

Character, though, and the way that you had described it, Laurel, was just pretty accurate.

You look for things that are out of character.

What I feel like I noticed was, when people really struggle, I mean it's not always easy to tell.

I can't fully explain it, but sometimes there's just this sense where you can tell that they're faking it.

I've done it so many times, where people that I've expressed, oh, yeah, I have bipolar disorder, they're like, I never would've guessed.

As I got older and as I got into high school, I started getting agitated.

Just agitated would be the word.

And it was for, again, no apparent reason, and I remember one day, in particular, where having this conversation with my teacher about asking a question, and then, all of a sudden, I just snapped on her and I started talking back.

She talked to me and she was just like, "Is everything okay in your home life?

"Are you struggling with something "that your parents maybe don't know about?

"Is everything okay?"

And it's like I looked at her and I was like, "You know, you're right.

"I don't think I've ever really felt like this, "but no, nothing's really causing it."

It was slow, but then, all of a sudden, there was just the one day where it hit and I didn't wanna get out of bed, and it was from that moment on, it was just dark.

I felt something was wrong.

I didn't know how to fix it.

To me, it felt so dark and so down and I didn't wanna be a part of this so much that it was like it'd be easier just to not exist.

Once I woke up in the hospital after I attempted to end my life, and a few of my friends had came by, and they were like, "Hey, you should go talk "to our buddy over here.

"He also has attempted to end his own life," and I was like, "What?"

'Cause this was a guy that I had played sports with, straight-A student, just the very type of person that you're like, oh, this is a leader.

This is the guy.

And he was like, "Yeah, man.

"No, I struggle with depression, too."

That, to me, was eye-opening.

- Here's, I feel like, the big ask of the overall question.

What happens?

We ask and the person says yes.

What's next?

What do we do.

- To begin with, don't panic.

- Yes.

- Okay.

- [Thready] Stay calm.

- Okay.

- Don't leave 'em alone.

- Yeah.

- Ah, yeah, oh, my gosh.

- [Laurel] Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- If they're not alone, it's much harder to end your life.

- I think it's important, then, to ask if they have a plan, 'cause I feel like it's on a different level when they actually have a thought-out plan, method, steps, time, date.

- And then, do they have the method on their hands?

- Do they have the means?

- And I also want to add that sometimes, if you don't have the capacity to help somebody who is going through suicide ideation, it is also not your responsibility, 100%.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- Oh, that's a good one.

- And as much as we want to help and we love them and care for them, it's also not purely on us to feel the burden, to, oh, my god, we have to save this life.

- But I don't think people are aware that you can actually call the National Suicide Prevention line, even if you're not the person with the thoughts, to get help and figure out what to do.

- Yep.

- It might be a great question to even ask, "Is there anyone that I can call?"

- Yeah, for you.

- Yeah, for you.

- It was really helpful for me to get the suicide prevention training from NAMI Minnesota, and I know there's other nonprofit organizations that would provide those trainings and resources that you can have on-hand, even before emergency situations actually happen.

- You're right, 'cause when you said that, I thought about, we get CPR training just to have it.

Mental health, everyone has been impacted by mental health.

So having that sort of resource, like suicide prevention or some sort of training on how do you ask the questions, essentially it's like CPR for mental health.

- Yeah.

- Yep.

- I just wanna thank each and every one of you for being so vulnerable and sharing your experiences with me and the world, and we're healing and we're helping people, and I wanna thank you for that.

- Absolutely, yeah.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Asking someone if they're having suicidal thoughts can feel rude, or even potentially triggering, but research shows it has the opposite impact when asked with care and without judgment.

Asking is the most clear and important way to connect with someone who is showing warning signs or may be in need of help.

Watch more of our discussions here, on the PBS YouTube channel, and watch the "Facing Suicide" documentary on pbs.org or the PBS Video App.

(reflective music)